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Eriken
12-02-2003, 09:17 AM
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are
excellent - don't miss the last one.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
*************************************
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
************************************
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
************************************
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
*************************************
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
*************************************
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
***************************************
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
***************************************
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
***************************************
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
***************************************
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
***************************************
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
****************************************
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
*****************************************
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
*****************************************
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
*****************************************
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
*****************************************
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral
*****************************************
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
*****************************************
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
*****************************************
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
somewhere.

Alimonster
12-02-2003, 10:18 AM
Some more from here (http://www.obfuscation.org/deco/humor/courts.html)

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

*************************

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.

*************************

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

*************************

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

*************************

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.

*************************

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children
by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

*************************

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.

*************************

Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

*************************

Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.

*************************

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

*************************

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

*************************

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Useless Hacker
12-02-2003, 11:52 AM
...
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
somewhere.
:lol: That says it all really...