View Full Version : Kids and their pets, a long "joke"

12-05-2003, 06:16 AM
(it's not my story 8) )
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone
through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush
burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have
you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet.
Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was "something wrong" with one of the two
hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just
lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,
Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little
rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking
stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I
called, "come look at the hamster!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's
having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and
Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I
thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I
accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice,
while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,
you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm,
you think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered
to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I
announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife
wanted to know. (I really do think she was being
snotty here, too. don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be
making much progress," I noted.

"Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something,Dad!",my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly
tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with
the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to
know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in
his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted
to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is
of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying

"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I
gulped, nodding for my son
to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is
not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to
happen.. Ernie is a boy."


"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as
they come into maturity, like most male species, they
um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on
his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...
just...Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we
understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife
started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit the
upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were
now running down her face.

"It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on
its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air
to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian
and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back
into the car. He was glad everything was going to be

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done,
Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.

2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks
Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks...
Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's