Just booted it again with a hunch, and I am afraid that I am correct.

My processor clocks in at 1500, when it is actually an AMD 2700 XP. This motherboard is cranky about any over/under clocking. Memory clocks in at 100 mhz, not 200 (pc 3200 SDRAM).

Looks like my bios was wiped/infected while I don't have a floppy drive with which to fix it.